I'm Sorry for Being Sick

Being sick is hard. Even as a teenager, I seemed to always have strep throat and my step dad babied the heck out of me but still, I hated it! Fast forward several years and several diagnosis and here I am terminally ill will this crud absolutely nobody has ever heard of OR understands so it's like when people ask me just what in the world is wrong with me, I simply say, "my stomach doesn't work." Which is true. It doesn't. It's useless. The flip side to everything is, when I'm so terribly weak and can't put one foot in front of the other and have to hunt down the dreaded cart at Wal-Mart, I get the evil eyes from everyone because from the outside, I look fine, unless it's one of those grand days my stomach is on strike and wants to look 10 months pregnant. Those are always fun. I used to could laugh at those days with my kids a lot! Now, they make me completely miserable and hard to function. It seems those functional days aren't there much anymore. Or maybe the good days where I had a few good hours are turning into maybe just one or two hours here and there. I stay tired and it's getting harder and harder to get up. Especially when there's really no reason for me to get up. I moved away from the things I loved to be with the ONE I love and have the care I needed. So, why is my world crumbling all around me? Why am I getting worse? Why am I waking up screaming? Here's some backstory to when things got really bad. My stomach has been an issue for quite some time and had been getting worse. I finally landed an appointment with this renowned doctor/surgeon who was well-known for placing gastric pacemakers. Like she was one of only a few in the states. So she put me on her schedule right away! Now, keep in mind, at this point in 2020, all I did was vomit. At home, at work, while driving - open up my car door - let it out, you name the place, I have vomited there. It was bad. Nothing helped. So this gastric pacemaker was going to be the answer! It would help my stomach move food along so it wouldn't just "sit" in my stomach causing a back up of sorts until it was puked up, etc. I was so excited. My life was going to be changed forever! Well, got it done and.....nothing happened. Still vomiting. Doctor changed the settings.....nope. This went back and forth for several months with absolutely no progress. She ended up doing some other things with no luch until the time finally came that we had no other choice but to put a feeding tube and chest port in. Which meant now I have home health coming out! Oh yay. Fast forward that by several months, and NOW I have DAILY infusions that last 4 hours long and continuous tube feeding and you get the idea. It's just never ending and my mental health has just been lost somewhere in the process and I don't know where to find it anymore. I have no purpose anymore. Because of my being sick all of the time, my marriage has become some kind of written agreement and splitting of the chores and what needs to be done now. I feel like I am just a let down in every department. I am no longer a part of my family on any side. I'm the burden child that has to carry 3 bags with me anywhere I go. I can't even make it though an outing with my kids anymore without getting sick. So, what exactly is my purpose now? I don't feel like a mom much anymore. I definitely don't feel like a wife. Surely God can't use someone that's broken down like me, who's only getting worse. I don't even really have friends anymore. I'm literally dying and feel like all there is to do is lay here and wait for it to happen! Due to having doctors in Texas still, I spend quite a bit of time with my mom. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She has no idea how many times she has saved me lately. Saved me from just staying in the bed. Saved me from not caring what happens to myself. She pushes me to do things and get out of the house. Of course, I end up enjoying it after I get up. She talks to me when no one else does. Even if it is just about plants and flowers. It fills my time. She may think it's petty but those talks are so important to me. That's all I need is conversation. Nothing deep or fancy. Just something that is important to her or whomever I am talking to. I guess that's why I've gotten to where I look forward to my times here. I'm not alone and she talks to me about what is going on in her life. Plus, of course, I get a chance to see my boys, even if for only a day. I find myself apologizing for being sick more and more. Like it's something I can help. Like it's something I can change. Like it's something that will get better. I can't help it. I can't change it. It's not going to get better. It is, however, who I am now and if I'm going to fight for my quality of life, I've got to do that for myself. And nobody can do that for me. I do apologize for that. I do need support as I try and figure that out but it'll be something I figure out on my own. I am extremely grateful for the friends I have and the new ones I have made along the way. I'll figure this out and I'll find my purpose. THAT, you can count on!