Let Me Be Clear

Ive had a battle going on inside of myself for a month or more now on starting this blog. I guess I haven't known how to exactly start it. Not because of writer's block. Not because of a time issue. Maybe more of because for the first time in my life, I actually don't know what to say. Honestly, there is nothing I could say to make the situation better between my sister and myself. The damage has been done. And it had continued to be done over and over and over. And it was done by me. I have felt helpless and hopeless because no matter what I did to make things right, I would still do something to make things wrong and then the wall between us would continue to go back up again. This last time, I honestly felt a peace about it because I finally feel in my heart that it needs to be final. I no longer feel the urge to text or message her over and over like a needy girlfriend. My kids are grown and don't need us to have a close relationship anymore. So I am at peace and know it is for the best. I had asked my husband not long ago if his life would be better without me. He responded with, "It would probably be a lot less stressful, sure. But I don't want to do life without you." I have been struggling really hard with this and the things I have put on my sister. I don't want to put stress on the ones I love. I mean, that's not what love is, right? Since that day with my husband, I have changed the way I react to him and I will say, things have definitely changed quite a bit between us. As far as my sister, I am not sure that we could ever get to that place. There is too much hurt involved from years of toxicity and abuse on both sides of the equation. I have manipulated and suffocated. I have taken the spotlight selfishly and ignored her when she needed me most. So I get it. I have been following my doctor's plan closely with medications, therapy and meetings. But if I stray from any of those, I become "crazy" Mandie. I become "hurtful" Mandie. I become "what's in it for me" Mandie. I absolutely hate that person. I hate her. However, I also can't keep up with my strict regimen without the support of my family. I am extremely thankful for my kids but I do not want to put this on them. I am grateful for their constant love and encouragement, but it is not their responsibility. It is really noone's responsibility. I have such a wonderful group of friends that are on a similar journey of both mental as well as physical health challenges as myself. I could not ask for more and I thank God daily for those that are in my life. I have learned through loss of relationships to not take them for granted and let them know how much I appreciate and love them and let them know I am here for them as well. By doing this, the bond between us all has blossomed and grown tremendously. When I do falter and stumble, I have learned more of how to handle it. I have written a sort of "relapse" plan to put into action. Not only this, but I've noticed since the beginning of last year when I started my road to recovery, the times I have relapsed, it didn't last long. I have come out of that place with ease and I'm able to shake it off a lot better. I'm able to remember what I have been taught and put that relapse plan into action. Even if I have to force myself to a meeting, I go. Even if I make up excuses in my head to not go, I just force myself because I called someone to tell them I will be there. I called someone to tell them I had a drink or I took a pill. And before I know it, all of my AA friends are reaching out to me to encourage me. I know anyone can do this but these ladies have been where I've been and done the things that I've done. We have a friendship and a bond that cannot be broken. When I relapse and get depressed and manipulate and lie to all of them, they don't disappear from my life. They are my true sisters. They are my family. So after these calls and texts, etc, like the prodigal son, I go back home to the walls of the Alcoholics Anonymous club houses. I get my coffee and sit down next to one of those friends. I get a hug and we cry. Then they all start to trickle in. I get so many hugs and the, "I'm so glad you found your way back!" After the meeting, I find the strength to go up front to get my 24 hour chip that states I'm here and I want to make that step of faith that says I will be sober for the next 24 hours. Because thats what we are all about. One small step at a time. One day at a time. Then a week passes by. Then a month. And so forth. Today marks one month for me. It's a humbling thing to admit that. I was at 6 months going on 7 and then relapsed. I started building my sobriety up again. Then, another relapse. Oh and then, mental breakdown on top of that relapse. So here I am. One month and hopeful. I'm strong and faithful. My heart is full because my support system is wide. How do I know I won't stumble again? Truthfully, I don't. I've learned to not promise people that I'll never do it again. I also can't make it up to anyone the things I have done. The things between me and my sister will never change. No matter what I do, there is no forgiveness on her part and I do understand that because she has been there and seen me at my absolute worst. She has been hurt tremendously. And I'm extremely tired of hurting everyone. I think that's my number one motivation right now. That is what drives me to better myself. If I could go back in time....I think about this all the time. My therapist tells me not to do this to myself. Not to think about the "what ifs". We can't change the past but we can definitely have a better future. Still...If I COULD go back in time, I'm not sure honestly that I would change much. Becoming an addict has made me a stronger individual. Even with relapses, I might take a step back but then I take two more steps forward. It is all part of my journey with recovery. When I first relapsed, I was absolutely crushed and so disappointed with myself! Then, at a meeting, I heard the word, "chronic relapser". It made me chuckle to myself. I thought, gosh, that would be terrible to relapse so much or all the time like that. I mean, are you even sober really?? Then this same person spoke about their 9 years of sobriety that followed these relapses. She went on to explain how these relapses were definitely hard and knocked her back down but what was important was that she didn't stay down. She kept getting back up. Every single time. Until her relapses were fewer and far between. I admired her. She was a friend of my sponser's and soon took me under her wing. I learned in the last couple of months that just because you have a sponsor or someone you meet with doesn't mean you can't have anyone else to hang out with that can be an influence or lead you. Anyways, I am getting away from my topic! IF I could go back, I am not sure that I would change all that much. And to my family, I am sorry for saying this. Terribly sorry. To my ex-husband and to my husband now. I am sorry. I don't want to change the person I am today and the change that continues to happen to me daily or the growth that is happening to me because of addiction. I hope y'all can understand that. Maybe not today but someday. One thing I can tell you is that I'm learning every day something new about myself and it's exciting to say the least! Another thing I'm learning is to love harder and to show my love in new and different ways. I'm tired of being the toxic one of the family. I'm tired of being the crazy one. I am definitely tired of the diagnosis hanging over my head. I think we are all bi-polar and autistic to an extent if we looked within deep enough. I'm tired of being sick. Very tired of being sick. I'm on a mission now with this surgery behind me and a possible transplant in the future. I know that will take years but it still gives me hope! I can do my part in the meantime to take good care of myself for when the time comes. A big conversation I had with myself was, "What would I actually say if I could just apologize for the things I have done?" What would that even look like? The Chicago song from the 80's comes to mind, "Hard for me to Say I'm Sorry." Mainly these lyrics: After all that we've been through I will make it up to you, I promise to And after all that's been said and done You're just the part of me I can't let go Although life is not a song and we don't live life like the lyrics. If we did, we would all be able to make up the wrong doings of our past. But we all know I can't promise to make it up because it would take a lifetime. I also coould not promise because I could not guarantee that I would never make a mistake again. In fact, I probably could guarantee that there would be a mistake. And because of that, I just feel like maybe it is best for me and my sister to be estranged. It will just kill me inside to go through it all again. To continue to hurt anyone. Then to all of a suddenly not be spoken to. It's a sick cycle carasoul that I just want to get off of. That's all I have and until another day and another blog, be blessed and be merry!