No I Don't

What a year this has been for me and my family. I have alot on my mind tonight and am a little pensive as I lay in bed. A sappy Hallmark Christmas movie is on the TV that I'm not really watching so I decide to check in with my kids. I begin to wonder what kind of mother I have been and how handling what comes my way reflects on that. I have been through a lot in my lifetime. I don't like to bring it up much because things are easily used as a crutch. I feel I am better than that and refuse to let things define who I am.  I was reminded recently that no matter how hard you try,  you just can't escape some of those definitions. I also know that you can take those same harmful past experiences and grow from them. This year has been a forging of sorts. A spiritual roller coaster. Emotions ranging from pain to anger. Back to pain and feeling you've beaten the odds. Then some things tend to happen and you begin to feel like you will never make it to the top to see the horizon before you. Honestly, I've been quite angry with God this year. How healing it is to finally say that. Maybe I should've said it sooner. I've told many people that I think God wants to hear us say this. He knows our hearts anyways. Anger is a passionate emotion. It also means we care.

Tonight I feel beat down and I ask for prayers. I want to be close to God and I want to know that when bad things happen, He longs to comfort me. This forging is more than I can bear sometimes. The only drive I have is knowing I have to keep moving forward through it all for my family. I can't give up. I can't let the bad win. I just have to ask, how much can one person be expected to bear? I feel the weight so heavy on my shoulders. I just want to set it down. I led a group therapy years ago for a counseling class I was in. It was on self-forgiveness. I used Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light" as an example. Carrying the burdens we were never meant to bear. The burden of shame and guilt. Fear and hurt. Yesterday was a big, painful and emotional day for me. Very few know the difficulty it brings but most don't. God knows and I just ask that He shows his presence for me as that anniversary seems to consume me. I'm not sure how much more I can carry. I have to have faith that He will never give me more than I can bear. I know that I will not get burned in the forging process, but rather shaped and molded. Here's my song for the week. I've been listening to some old songs that used to mean a lot. I mean a LOT. Songs and bands I haven't listened to in over a decade. This one is by The Almost. I find healing in music. I find strength in the lyrics. This song is called 'No I Don't' I'm looking for some stable ground/ Some kinda place to lay it down/ And settle for a while/ I'm sick of looking for a star/ I won't show anyone my scars/ Can you help me out?/ I wanna see a change in me When it's time for another round/ I get in then, I bow out/ I'm kinda freaky that way/ I used to stand as tall as I could/ I used to be better than good/ I guess I've made my bed/ I wanna see a change in me No, I don't listen when they tell me/ They think I won't Come back around/ Find my way out/ It's none of their business! It's none of their business! I've got another song in me/ Because of you, I'm changing/ I'm learning how to wait/ Ugly as I could've been/ Down and out and all broken/ You never made me wait/ You saw me/ You didn't see my shame/ I'm free because you said so/ And I'm learning to grow/ Because you held my hand/ I'm free because you said/ Go, keep walking