I have been hurting. I have been moving through my days slower, weighed down and broken by what life has bestowed upon me. While I smile, there is pain clutching on to my heart and pulling me down. My smile has been replaced with a resolute indifference. I am angry and scared. I've been pushing those I love away in their best efforts to comfort me and hold me tight. I just haven't been myself in what seems like years.
I took a trip to the West coast over the summer of 2009. When I returned, I had lost a very dear friend. I lost a part of myself. Even worse, I lost my faith. This is also the point where my kids lost their mom. All that I longed for after that summer, was some glimmer of hope. A promise of a brighter tomorrow. Some sort of given that my old life would return and I would be safe again. Months of counseling turned into years and still no resolve.
Years later, my daughter and I traveled north and I found myself on the banks of Lake Michigan on a cold day in May. The lake expanded farther than I could see, and as I stood there in the wind, my hands clutched tightly, I finally prayed.
I closed my eyes and a tear fell and in that moment I decided to choose life. I chose to push forward, and I chose to hold on to hope even when it didn’t feel possible. I was uncertain at first, but that decision pushed me toward a life that brought joy and true happiness. I had three beautiful and amazing kids that not only needed me, but I needed them! A life that I couldn’t and wouldn't have known if I had made another choice. A life that still exists, though it’s hard to see sometimes through the unsettled dust of the chaos I do still continue to fight.
I closed my eyes and a tear fell and in that moment I decided to choose life. I chose to push forward, and I chose to hold on to hope even when it didn’t feel possible. I was uncertain at first, but that decision pushed me toward a life that brought joy and true happiness. I had three beautiful and amazing kids that not only needed me, but I needed them! A life that I couldn’t and wouldn't have known if I had made another choice. A life that still exists, though it’s hard to see sometimes through the unsettled dust of the chaos I do still continue to fight.
This decision did not come easy and God didn't promise me an easy road ahead. I'm still fighting my depression every day. I'm still fighting my past hurts. I still cry out in agony to God. I'm even ashamed to say that I even cry out in anger to God. Then, He continues to somehow bless me in ways that I don't understand. I see Him in oddities that I normally wouldn't look. I talk to Him in times that surprises even me. And I look for him in everything. Everything.
Last night someone told me that I have an honesty and a compassion that others do not and that until I can love myself, they will love me. Of course, I rolled my eyes as I always do, but I tucked those words into my pocket, desperate to hold them as truth. I whispered the words to myself through the night while I tried to sleep. That is a secret not many of you probably know. I've appeared confident most of my life, but I have not loved myself. Especially as things have ripped at my heart starting at an early age and, unfortunately, still happening, I have never learned to love myself.
It helps to know that someone believes in my strength. They believe that I have what it takes to pull myself out of this place. I am good enough. I am worth it. I am more than capable.
God tells me many things and some of those I repeat to myself like a broken record. Here is my favorite:. HE will not leave me. I am not alone as I try my best to figure this out. Some days are harder than others. Some days life seems like too much, but I know that He is here making the journey with me. When things feel too heavy, when it gets too dark, He will be there. HE will carry me when I can’t carry myself!
One thing I know and He has promised. I will walk strong and hold myself high again. Though the pain still has a grasp on my heart, with each step toward hope, its grip will loosen, and I will persevere. I WILL persevere.
Last night someone told me that I have an honesty and a compassion that others do not and that until I can love myself, they will love me. Of course, I rolled my eyes as I always do, but I tucked those words into my pocket, desperate to hold them as truth. I whispered the words to myself through the night while I tried to sleep. That is a secret not many of you probably know. I've appeared confident most of my life, but I have not loved myself. Especially as things have ripped at my heart starting at an early age and, unfortunately, still happening, I have never learned to love myself.
It helps to know that someone believes in my strength. They believe that I have what it takes to pull myself out of this place. I am good enough. I am worth it. I am more than capable.
God tells me many things and some of those I repeat to myself like a broken record. Here is my favorite:. HE will not leave me. I am not alone as I try my best to figure this out. Some days are harder than others. Some days life seems like too much, but I know that He is here making the journey with me. When things feel too heavy, when it gets too dark, He will be there. HE will carry me when I can’t carry myself!
One thing I know and He has promised. I will walk strong and hold myself high again. Though the pain still has a grasp on my heart, with each step toward hope, its grip will loosen, and I will persevere. I WILL persevere.
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