When I Need to Hide

"Hiding Place : a place where someone or something is hidden or can be hidden"

Hide and Go Seek was not a game I remember playing often with my sister growing up. We played more team or group related games with the neighbor kids as my sister is several years older than myself. Don't get me wrong, I would still hide from her at times, it just wasn't part of a game SHE was aware we were playing! But, there were other moments. The difficult moments. The moments that came at night and woke you from whatever peaceful sleep you were holding onto or the perfect dream you thought you had left. 

I remember thinking as a little girl that if I only had the perfect hiding place, I could go there during the times of fear that would overcome me and I could just stay there until those moments passed. Long before Jenny spoke of wanting God to make her a bird in the movie, Forrest Gump, a young version of myself stood on a back porch of an old house in Frisco, Texas, pleading with God to help her to figure out how to make wings, so that SHE could fly like a bird and get away somewhere, anywhere, to hide. To hide. 

Even at a young age, I could feel my anger and disappointment growing at such a quick rate. I just had no idea who it was aimed at and I just stuffed it somewhere and tried to forget. Little did I know that it would resurface 30 or more years later in a rage of outbursts and tears, lashing out at whomever was closest to me at the moment. Destroying relationships anywhere and everywhere in my tracks. Some of which I've never reclaimed. Some that I still have, but will never be the same and some that I'm hoping will eventually be stronger as I put in the work and effort to cultivate. You see, when I was a kid, my hiding place was simple. During those difficult moments, I would run to one place. The ONLY place I can remember having a feeling of trust and security. It wasn't a playhouse or in a tree. I didn't have a neighbor friend or a special place in town that I could run and cry when things would get unbearable. I had one thing. I had a big sister. And she took the role of my protector very seriously.  

She still takes that role seriously to this very day. Although these days, we may fight each other on many things and my bullheaded self pushes her and resists her wisdom and help but if a dark night comes to haunt me and I just cannot find enough rocks to throw, she is there on the other end of the phone, waiting to listen. Sometimes there are no words. And that's okay. That's not the intention of a hiding place. It's a place of solace, not a place of conversation. 

In my teen years, there was a Steven Curtis Chapman song that I loved. It is one that I still listen to today. It is called, "Hiding Place". My favorite stanza goes like this:

You're my hiding place;
Safe in your embrace,
I'm protected from the storm that rages
When the waters rise,
And I run to hide;
Lord, in You I find my hiding place.
I'm not asking You to take away
My troubles, Lord,
'Cause it's through the stormy weather
I learn to trust You more.
So I thank You for Your promise;
I have come to know
Your unfailing love surrounds me
When I need it most.

As I grow older and think back to those times of fear that was so intense that it would just freeze a small girl in her tracks and I honestly didn't understand it. But I did understand the need for my sister. Her comfort brought me peace. And as I've grown as a Christian and I'm learning to put my trust in my Heavenly Father as my Hiding Place, I realize He places people in our paths and in our lives to not only help us through those tough times but He puts them there when we are disappointed or angry at Him and we are not always wanting the best for ourselves or maybe, just maybe we can't comprehend that the Father of the stars and the universe would love ME enough to want to wrap me up in His love and protection, so He brings in reinforcements, disquised, and, in my case, a big sister. 

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

And the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

Higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

The Truth Shall Set ME FREE

I have been hurting. I have been moving through my days slower, weighed down and broken by what life has bestowed upon me. While I smile, there is pain clutching on to my heart and pulling me down. My smile has been replaced with a resolute indifference. I am angry and scared. I've been pushing those I love away in their best efforts to comfort me and hold me tight. I just haven't been myself in what seems like years.

I took a trip to the West coast over the summer of 2009. When I returned, I had lost a very dear friend. I lost a part of myself. Even worse, I lost my faith. This is also the point where my kids lost their mom. All that I longed for after that summer, was some glimmer of hope. A promise of a brighter tomorrow. Some sort of given that my old life would return and I would be safe again.  Months of counseling turned into years and still no resolve.

Years later, my daughter and I traveled north and I found myself on the banks of Lake Michigan on a cold day in May. The lake expanded farther than I could see, and as I stood there in the wind, my hands clutched tightly, I finally prayed.

I closed my eyes and a tear fell and in that moment I decided to choose life. I chose to push forward, and I chose to hold on to hope even when it didn’t feel possible. I was uncertain at first, but that decision pushed me toward a life that brought joy and true happiness. I had three beautiful and amazing kids that not only needed me, but I needed them! A life that I couldn’t and wouldn't have known if I had made another choice. A life that still exists, though it’s hard to see sometimes through the unsettled dust of the chaos I do still continue to fight.

This decision did not come easy and God didn't promise me an easy road ahead. I'm still fighting my depression every day. I'm still fighting my past hurts. I still cry out in agony to God. I'm even ashamed to say that I even cry out in anger to God.  Then, He continues to somehow bless me in ways that I don't understand. I see Him in oddities that I normally wouldn't look. I talk to Him in times that surprises even me. And I look for him in everything. Everything.

Last night someone told me that I have an honesty and a compassion that others do not and that until I can love myself, they will love me. Of course, I rolled my eyes as I always do, but I tucked those words into my pocket, desperate to hold them as truth. I whispered the words to myself through the night while I tried to sleep. That is a secret not many of you probably know. I've appeared confident most of my life, but I have not loved myself. Especially as things have ripped at my heart starting at an early age and, unfortunately, still happening, I have never learned to love myself.

It helps to know that someone believes in my strength. They believe that I have what it takes to pull myself out of this place. I am good enough. I am worth it. I am more than capable.

God tells me many things and some of those I repeat to myself like a broken record. Here is my favorite:. HE will not leave me. I am not alone as I try my best to figure this out. Some days are harder than others. Some days life seems like too much, but I know that He is here making the journey with me. When things feel too heavy, when it gets too dark, He will be there. HE will carry me when I can’t carry myself!

One thing I know and He has promised. I will walk strong and hold myself high again. Though the pain still has a grasp on my heart, with each step toward hope, its grip will loosen, and I will persevere. I WILL persevere. 

The Family that Quarantines Together, Goes Crazy Together!

I honestly feel like I've been cooped up in this house for months, yet it's only been a couple of weeks. On the 7th, I went down to Nacogdoches to pick up Ross from college for his Spring Break (or so we thought), and we made plans for the upcoming week to spend time together. THEN everything started to get real exciting. Thus, ending our Spring Break "fun" and starting our family quarantine. My 20 year old son is now looking more like Grizzly Adams and is now having to finish his semester online here at home. Our public school system here has still not made up it's mind as to when the doors will open back up, but luckily for my other kids, they will be homeschooled anyways. In the meantime, my two cats give me guilt trips on the daily like they're being held hostage by this pandemic wave hitting the world around us and I tried to tell them that it does, in fact, affect animals as well, but they just stare at me in disbelief. So we started opening the bedroom window, just enough for their little fat bodies to get through and go outside and get back in. Max goes out bravely, unafraid of anything, but Yuuki just sticks her head out, anxiously, like she knows there is sickness waiting for her. I laugh at both cats, because I can relate to both of them right now. To help with the cabin fever, we get out when we need things. We've also bought a few new games. I even have a new 2000 piece puzzle to start putting together thanks to my love. He knew I used to love putting them together. And I did. A long time ago with my dad. And this time of solace that we have so much of right now can also seem like a curse if you deal with any sort of depression or grief as I do, but maybe God is also calling us out to help finally work through some of those tough spots in our hearts. I definitely don't have the answers. I wish I did in times like this. All three of my amazing kids inherited my anxiety and the harder things get like they are now, the harder it is for them to understand and it just makes it worse on their anxieties and sleep and eating and you name it. I don't always have the words to offer. Especially as they get older. I'm just a mom. A mom that has her own anxieties and fears about this world. A mom, who, after watching her own dad pass away at such an early age, has feared death her whole life. A mom, that has already had to look death in the eye and literally fight for her life more than once thanks to being a very brittle type 1 diabetic. BUT, this mama has also learned that even though death is inevitable and anxiety will sneak up on you when you least expect it, also knows there is a much greater and higher force to be reckoned with and all you or I need to do is call upon His name and a calm will come over us like we never imagined. And just like that song tells us about, that fear that stops us? The fear that makes us feel frozen? That fear IS a liar. Call it for what it really is. That, my friend, is what I tell myself. What I remind myself every single day.  OH and I'm also a mom that is turning 44 in exactly ONE week. During a nationwide..or...worldwide quarantine. Then, a week later, my baby bear turns 14. GAH. I can't even. How do you celebrate your kiddo's birthday at home? Please comment any creative ideas! 

Where do moms rest??

This past weekend, I went to visit my mom in hopes for some much needed rest. Boy was it the absolute worst timing ever. Here we are in the midst of a world wide pandemic and I get the bright idea to go see my mom in Colbert, Ok. I thought for sure the mass hysteria hadn't quite hit the little town they reside in, but I was far from wrong because I am pretty sure it hit WHILE I was there. To catch you up, I haven't been sleeping well. Just so much on my mind. I hate to even admit knowing my friends will read this, but I can't honestly tell you the last time I actually walked into a church. Granted, I still watch my old pastor via live podcasts every week. But that is a long story for a whole other blog. So, I was lying in bed, reading up on the latest and unable to slow my worrying thoughts about all that we moms tend to think on. Reese was with me and was having a hard time going to sleep herself as she was lying next to me. I got lost in my thoughts for just a few minutes wondering where the last few years have gone. Remembering the times when I somehow managed to fit both Reese AND Reid in bed with me. Long gone are those days but I guess I will always have my girl for these last minute trips to Nana's for sleepovers and sometimes just spontaneous drives to see Grandma or wherever the road may lead. I thought back to those days again of when the kids were young and I remember the mom that I once was. It's almost painful to think about her. Too painful.  I look over and Reese is finally sound asleep. I guess some things will never change no matter what. I looked at her sleeping just as peacefully as the day we brought her home. Well, except now she steals my pillows and takes all the blankets and well...you get the idea. My point is that even at 16, she still needs and trusts her mama. And out of all the moms on this earth, God chose me...ME...crazy, clumsy, weird, broken and sinful me to be her mom. After a minute, I thought...how amazing it is when God uses a moment so small to get His point across. This night is no different than any other one. My mind, always wondering, going 90 to nothing with thoughts of  things I need to do, things the kids need to do and things the kids just NEED until the thoughts are so overwhelming that they are literally suffocating the breath out of my lungs for fear of not meeting basic needs. I have a very dear friend that will often ask for prayer that she may just "be still" and listen to God so she may know His will and direction. Where in my crazy, busy mom life, did I take my eyes away from the goal and forget to take the time to just be still and rest in those quiet, peaceful moments? In those moments, like now, when kids are asleep, even as the world around us is in a panic, er, especially when the world around us is in a panic, why am I not listening to His voice whisper to me to "be still"? Because if you listen close enough, we will realize that we find our best rest as moms in those two words. I decide to close my eyes and silently pray for God to give this overwhelmed mama some peace for the night. And you know what? As I lay there, in the quiet stillness of that moment, I finally found that rest I had been searching for. 
Psalm 46:10a "Be still and know that I am God."